Dirty Jokes

The sum of which is,,

2011-05-28T17:36:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven…. His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing? Little Johnny answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom. And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked. Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition. The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

10 dare

2011-05-27T00:44:00.001-07:00

Top 10 Sarcastic Dares:
Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list.
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds". 8. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacAy. 7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die. 6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.) 5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan. 4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it. 3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified. 2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing. And the #1 Sarcastic Dare... 1. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.

Give her my room key

2011-05-08T18:52:00.001-07:00

Three girls must answer a question before enetering in heaven 3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

200 dollars of quarters

2011-04-30T05:34:00.001-07:00

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said, "I'll give U a $100 if U'll let me have sex with U." The girl looked at him shocked & said "Hell no!" He said "I'll be real quick-I'll throw the money on the floor, U bend over to get it, & I'll be finished by the time U've picked it up!" She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend. So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won't even be able to get his pants down!" She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waitin for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, "What the fuck happened?" Still breathin hard she managed to reply, "That bastard had all QUARTERS!!!!"

That son of a bitch

2011-04-29T21:39:00.001-07:00

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where. Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!

10" in 5" out

2011-04-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

There were two old-maid-sisters… both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin… I'm going out and I'm not coming home till I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 O'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys… 11 O'clock… 12 O'clock…
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys… straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in… and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

I can have as many as I want

2011-04-25T16:46:00.001-07:00

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling Nah na nah na nah. The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them! Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one! The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl Well, what do you have to say NOW? So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

Only six inches

2011-04-22T03:27:00.001-07:00

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so p*ssed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a b*tch didn't p*ss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really p*ssed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY p*ssed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Okay, I cut

2011-04-21T02:18:00.001-07:00

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara. The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem! I have. I have. Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France. The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build. I build. Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis. The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.

Use Piece of toilet paper

2011-04-21T01:06:00.001-07:00

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again

Type writer

2011-04-21T01:04:00.001-07:00

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

You won't have worms

2011-04-21T00:53:00.001-07:00

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. To make his point, four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol -dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke -dead. Third worm in sperm -dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil -alive and well. So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms. "

Chinese report

2011-04-20T10:43:00.001-07:00

A man thought his wife was cheating, since he didn't have a lot of money for an expensive p.I.,he hired a cheaper one...a chinese man named Mr. Lee. The next day he gets this report...Most honorable sir...you leave house...he come to house...I watch...he and she leave house...I follow...he and she go in hotel...I climb tree...I look in window...he kiss she...she kiss he...he strip she...she strip he...he play with she...she play with he...I play with me...I fall off tree...I not see...no fee...Chen Lee

What pisses me off

2011-04-18T21:37:00.001-07:00

What Pisses me off......... ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? FOUR When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor. SIX People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. THIRTEEN McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back SIXTEEN when lazy cunts refuse to spell right cause they think its cool!

Past 2 inches, it's all brand new

2011-04-17T03:29:00.001-07:00

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?' The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's all brand new.'

Little Rock AR, big sick champion

2011-04-17T03:28:00.001-07:00

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out. "It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

All kinds of exciting..

2011-04-17T03:25:00.001-07:00

A school teacher is having her students draw pictures of exciting things on the chalkboard and explain them to their classmates. The teacher calls Suzy up. Suzy draws a police car and says the things that make police cars exciting are the flashing lights and loud sirens. The teacher tells Suzy she did a good job and calls Timmy up to the chalk board. Timmy draws a race car and explains that race cars go very fast and crash sometimes. the teacher agrees and calls little Johnny to the board. Johnny walks up, makes a dot with the chalk, and sits down. The teacher asks him to explain how a dot is exciting. Little Johnny answers, "That's not a dot, it's the period my sister missed last month, and when Dad finds out it's going to be all KINDS of exciting!"

We've all got it

2011-04-17T03:22:00.001-07:00

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid." "Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him." "But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too." "Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

Who do I look like??

2011-04-17T03:20:00.001-07:00

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

My husband drilled it into me last night

2011-04-16T23:25:00.001-07:00

Jane
was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to
answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

Deaf couple in bed

2011-04-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. Honey, she signs, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times

She got fired too

2011-04-16T23:18:00.001-07:00

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

For adults only

2011-04-16T21:09:00.001-07:00

ONLY FOR GROWN-UPS
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing....... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

Where is the ship

2011-04-16T21:05:00.001-07:00

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

You aren't my dad

2011-04-16T21:01:00.001-07:00

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday and I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my daughter, Tiffany, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my little girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my little girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you aren't my daddy, and to watch the expression on YOUR face.

I'm coming too

2011-04-16T05:11:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face. Ok, Johnny, the teacher said, trying to help, the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep. All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice. Johnny explained, Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face.

Do not count when you drunk

2011-04-15T09:00:00.001-07:00

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

I have air bag!!

2011-04-15T08:55:00.001-07:00

a woman and her husband were driving down the highway, when suddenly she turned to him and said, "ray, im leaving you." ray said nothing but tightened his grip on the steering wheel and accelerated slightly. "ive been sleeping with your best friend, and michael is amazing in bed! im taking the house, the kids, and the cars. don't you have fucking ANYTHING to say?" "nope....." he replied calmly. "i believe i have everything i need!" "what? you don't have jack shit! what the fuck do you have?" and before she could scream as they hit a building at 100 mph, he replied with a grin, "the airbag." :)

Blow job rules

2011-04-14T12:22:00.001-07:00

Blow job rules.
1). First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2). Extension to rule #1- so if you get one, be grateful.
3) I dont care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someones face. 4) extentsion to rule#3- No, I DONT have to swallow. 5) my ears are NOT handlebars. 6)extension to rule #5,- do not put your hand on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally do you really want puke on your dick? 7). I dont care HOW relaxed you get, its NEVER OK to fart. 8). Having my period does not mean that its "hummer weak" - get it through your head - im bloated and feel like shit so no, I dont feel obligated to blow you just because you cant have sex right now. 9). Extension to rule#8 -blue balls might have worked in high school on high school girls. If you are that desperate go jack off and leave me alone with my midol. 10). If I have to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, dont tell me I just ruined it for you. 11). Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke, watch tv ect... Immediatly afterwards is highly unadvisable if you would want my behavior repeated in the future. 12) if you like how we do it, its best not to speculate the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy we are good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13) No it doesnt particularly taste good. And no I dont care about the protein content. 14), No I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke, drink, ect... 15). When you hear friends complain that they dont get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16). Just because "its awake" whem you get up doesnt mean I have to "kiss it good morning"

Get the bag

2011-04-14T07:14:00.001-07:00

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Questions are wrong

2011-04-13T20:19:00.001-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Come on kid make up your mind

2011-04-13T06:06:00.001-07:00

a man was riding the bus minding his own buisness when this gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby..the baby wouldnt take so she said"come on sweety drink...or ill have to give it to this nice man over here"....5 mins went by and still the baby wont eat so the lady says"if u dont eat honey..imma let this nice man have it"....after a couple mins the axinous man yelled out "COME ON KID ...MAKE UP UR MIND ,I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET OFF 4 STOPS AGO!

I want silicon

2011-04-12T06:12:00.001-07:00

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be? Little Steve raised his hand and said, I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche. The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicon. The teacher said, Why Johnny? He responded by saying, Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

Some one ripped your balls off

2011-04-12T06:09:00.001-07:00

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening. Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. You know, he said, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!

How much water did you drink

2011-04-11T19:47:00.001-07:00

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walked past, looked up, and yelled, "Hey! koala! What are you doing?" The koala looked down and said "Im smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs thr tree and joins the koala for a few joints. Forty five minutes pass and the lizard has a horible case of cotton mouth, so he tells the koala that he's going to get a drink from a nearby river. The little lizard was sooo stoned that he went over too far and ended up falling straight in. Luckily a friendly crocodile helped him back onto dry land. "What happened?!" The lizard told him about the koala in the tree with the joints and the crocodile decided that he had to see this for himself. He walked into the forest and found the tree, looked up, and yelled, "Hey! Koala!" The koala looked down at him with glassy eyes and said, "Fuuuuuuuuuck man, how much water did you drink?!"

Turn back and see who it is doing it

2011-04-11T19:44:00.001-07:00

a man comes home from work early one day to find his wife on all fours scrubbing the floor...he watches as her ass moves back and forth ,until he cant take it nomore...he leans down,lifts her skirt and slides in...the husband gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm....after they are done he gets up,pulls up his pants and kicks the holy fuck out of her...she screams "what the fuck was that for?"...the husbands responds as walking away "thats for not turning around to see who the fuck it was first!!!"

Adult quiz

2011-04-10T23:49:00.001-07:00

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but can't beat a blowjob. Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Dumb Buttz

2011-04-10T18:06:00.001-07:00

DUMB BUTTZ : 1. "are you ohk ????" "no I'm perfectly fine my ankle is SUPPOSED to twist that way !!" 2. "are you taking a shower ????" "no I just turned on the water to read a magazine on the toilet ." 3. "how do you spell this word ?" "look it up in a dictionary ." "bitch , if I don't know how to spell it , how the fuck am I supposed to look it up in the dictionary . -____-" 4. *fall on ground* "wat happened ??????" "oh I attaked the ground ." 5. *3:00am call* "hey wachu doin ?" "being an undercover ninja so I can jump off the empire state building while playing the trombone WHAT ABOUT YOU ????" 6. "are you sleeping ?" "no I'm just looking on the inside of my eyelids ." 7. "is it raining ?" "no I'm soaking wet because I took a shower with my clothes on ." 8. "how old are you ?" "18" "really ????" "no I'm really 4 I just like lying ." 9. "you have a pimple on your face ." "really I thot I was growing another head ." 10. "are you cold ?" "no it's super hot that's why I'm wearing 3 shirts 2 jackets 2 thick pairs of jeans & a heated blanket ."

Stick it out till noon

2011-04-10T18:01:00.001-07:00

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

What women really mean

2011-04-10T17:57:00.001-07:00

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN. (please take notes guys) I dare you women to dispute them. 1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint . Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

Looks like you picked up real bitch tonight

2011-04-10T06:13:00.001-07:00

Dirty Joke Birthday Present A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Oh my god

2011-04-10T06:11:00.001-07:00

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."

Blow job with cab driver

2011-04-10T06:10:00.001-07:00

A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car. Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Tax drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says"no you freak, get out of my car!" The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.

Blow job revenge

2011-04-09T20:24:00.001-07:00

Woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue, salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys, smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks that this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

I'd have fuckin' seat

2011-04-08T10:09:00.001-07:00

An elderly man got onto a packed city bus. No one offered him a seat, so he had to stand in the aisle, leaning against hias cane. When the bus stopped at the next stop, his stick fell out from underneath him and he fell to the ground. A little boy sitting near him said, "Hey, mister!! If you would have had one of those rubber things at the end of your cane, that wouldn't have happened!" The old man replied, while getting up, "Yeah? Well, if your daddy would have taken that advice, I'd have a fuckin' seat.

ALZHEIMERS has it's advantages

2011-04-08T10:06:00.001-07:00

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger. Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already? The moral of the story: Dont be afraid of getting old, ALZHEIMERS has its advantages.

Funny stuff

2011-04-08T01:05:00.001-07:00

FUNNY STUFF (PT.1) 1) - If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) 2) - If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) 3) - The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) 4) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 5) - A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy but I'm still not over the pig.) 6) - Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) 7) - The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. 7) - The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

I got most of them back in

2011-04-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Hey what's a PENGUIN!

2011-04-07T20:54:00.001-07:00

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too. By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!" The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin." "What's a penguin?" he asks. The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man. He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

For fifteen years he lied about hammer

2011-04-07T20:51:00.001-07:00

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Why men are more happier

2011-04-07T20:50:00.001-07:00

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER: NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,they will call each other, Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they affectionately refer to each other as, fat ass, godzilla and four eyes. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will throw in $20,even though the bill is $32.50. And none of them will want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators! MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, just because its on sale. BATHROOM: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one that finds such a man. MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he never does. A man marries a woman expecting she will never change, but she always does. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,empty the trash,answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL: Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows all about dentist appointments,romances, best friends and dreams. A man is vaguely aware there are short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Sorry you've had two warnings

2011-04-07T07:18:00.001-07:00

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and be one with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

But daddy loves ya

2011-04-06T09:47:00.001-07:00

A little boy was playing in the creek behind his house when he suddenly felt the urge to jack off well after a bit of rubbing he had his first ejaculation and it splashed on the rocks by his feet it was so powerful it scared him badly so he ran in the house and yelled for his dad,well the dad runs in the room and says," what's wrong", the boy says daddy,daddy I was in the creek and my thing started getting stiff so I rubbed it and it felt good, the father said," yeah I know buddy it does feel good",then the boy says I kept rubbing it and it started feeling real good then all of a sudden this white stuff shot out and it scared me.The father laughed a bit and says," don't worry boy its natural that's how babies are made", this seemed to satisfy the boys curiosity and calm him down. The boy went back to the creek, and on the rock he came on was a huge frog,the boy looked at the frog for a minute and said,boy you're an ugly little bastard but daddy loves ya.

Next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow

2011-04-06T09:45:00.001-07:00

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Suit flying everywhere

2011-04-06T09:40:00.001-07:00

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

He's not really your father

2011-04-06T09:37:00.001-07:00

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB

Tell that gorilla you got headache

2011-04-06T01:42:00.001-07:00

a man and his wife go to the zoo..while looking at the gorillas the husband notices the ape getting a hard on looking at his wife...the man says "honey lift ur skirt show him a lil" she does..the gorilla goes beserk...husband says "show him ur tits"..as the wife pulls up her shirt the ape goes crazy...the husband grabs his wife opens the cage and tosses her in and yells "NOW,TELL THAT FUCKER U GOT A HEADACHE!!

Sssshh they are about to land

2011-04-05T17:59:00.001-07:00

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 hens... The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all the 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks & the geese. Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you horny little bastard!" The cock opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh. They're about to land."

Labor pain transfer

2011-04-05T17:56:00.001-07:00

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Funny pickup lines

2011-04-05T17:54:00.001-07:00

FUNNY PICK UP LINES THAT WILL GET YOU SLAPED 1.) the word of the day is"legs" let's go back to my place and spread the WORD 2.) if your left leg is halloween and your right let christmas can I visit between the holidays? 3.) exuse me miss can you help me find my lost puppy I think it ran into that cheap motel across the street. 4.) have you ever kissed a bunny btween the ears? ( pull pockets inside out) do you want to? 5.) instead of 69 let's do 68 you know you go down and ill owe you one 6.) do you live on a chicken farm becauuse you sure know how to raise cocks. 7.) im an astraunaut and my latest mission is to explore uranus 8.) those clothes look so good on you they would look even better in a crumpled heap next to my bed! 9.) your so SELFISH! Your going to have that body for the rest of your life I only want it for one night 10.) ( this one wont get you slaped) do you believe in love at first sight because if you don't I can just walk by again

Get the quarterback

2011-04-05T17:47:00.001-07:00

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Three purposeless things

2011-04-05T13:12:00.001-07:00

A priest comes out of the church to find Little Johnny sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, "Fucking ants," with each smash. The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to Little Johnny. "What are you doing!?!?!" the priest shouts at him. "I'm killing these fucking ants," responds Little Johnny. Visibly upset, the priest sits next to Little Johnny. "My son, don't you know that it is wrong to harm any of God's creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants." Little Johnny thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, "But these ants don't do anything. They just bother people." The priest responds, "Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose." One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find Little Johnny sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same "Fucking ants" phrase. The priest screams at Little Johnny to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says, "Little Johnny, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? "Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?" Little Johnny looks up at the priest and says, "Yeah, I thought of three things that don't have a purpose. Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking ants!"

25 ways to annoy the pizza guy

2011-04-05T07:19:00.001-07:00

25 Ways to Annoy the Pizza Guy 1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair 2. Ask for extra homo-sapien 3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time 4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown 5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30 6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza 7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza 8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief 9. Order a one-inch pizza 10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time 11. Ask what the order taker is wearing 12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue 13. Change your accent every three seconds 14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word. word." 15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza 16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that that. 17. Imitate the order taker's voice 18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs 19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate Ask if they need paper 20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread. 22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you 23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead 24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time. 25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation.

Jesus saves!!

2011-04-05T07:17:00.001-07:00

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

My balls are in Vietnam

2011-04-05T07:14:00.001-07:00

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old MGySgt insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Master Gunns to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the MGySgt's penis and began to work back. Holy Shit!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your Balls?' The old Master Gunny calmly replied, ' in Vietnam Sir.

Just waxing my boat

2011-04-05T07:11:00.001-07:00

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!." The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!." A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! ..... .... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

Friendship among women vs men

2011-04-03T17:45:00.001-07:00

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Don't start your father's shit

2011-04-03T17:43:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better. Little Johnny's mother shouts, Don't start your father's shit with me!

How to use rectal thermometer

2011-04-03T17:41:00.001-07:00

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

Weird and crazy sex facts

2011-04-03T17:38:00.001-07:00

weird and crazy sex facts (pt.1) It is forbidden in some cultures, and abandon by others. However, the fact remains the same that it shall always be the most talked about subject in the universe, sex. 1. According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. 2. The most common fantasy is oral sex. 3. 8% of us have regular anal sex. 4. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. 5. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. 6. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. 7. Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″. 8. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex. 9. 56% of men have had sex at work. 10. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14. part 2 next.

No wants cough but sex

2011-04-03T17:34:00.001-07:00

90 people get swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask.... millions of people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom??

If he gets out of it!!

2011-04-03T17:32:00.001-07:00

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

Not again please

2011-04-03T17:29:00.001-07:00

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give 10, 000 to any person that can make my elephant jump." So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump. Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a rod. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the 10, 000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off. The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone 20, 000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side. People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up. He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do you want me to do it again?" The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

Wise dead man

2011-04-03T17:26:00.001-07:00

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look,he's moving!'"

Suck me like a lollipop

2011-04-03T17:24:00.001-07:00

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Where are you gonna find a lawyer

2011-04-03T17:22:00.001-07:00

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?" Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up." To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him." God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Don't ever wear my clothes again

2011-04-03T10:39:00.001-07:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

Money for nude show

2011-04-03T10:36:00.001-07:00

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, she sees her neighbour, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

Some words that mean different to men and women

2011-04-03T10:34:00.001-07:00

SOME WORDS THAT MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO MEN AND WOMEN: 1. Thingy: (female) Any part under a car's hood. (male) The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. Vulnerable: (women) Fully opening ones self to another. (men) Playing football without a helmet. 3. Communication: (women) The open sharing of ones thoughts with ones partner. (men) Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. Butt: (women) The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. (Men) What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning. 5. Commitment: (women) A desire to get married and raise a family. (men) Not trying to pick up other women when out with ones girlfriend. 6. Entertainment: (Women) A good movie, play or book. (Men) Anything that can be done while drinking or having sex. 7. Flatulence: (women) An embarrassing by product of digestion. (Men) An endless source of entertainment, self expression and male bonding. 8. Making love: (women) The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can share. (male) Call it whatever you want, as long as we end up in bed. 9. Remote control: (women) A device for changing tv from channel to channel. (men) A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 3 seconds.

Women's and man's meanings

2011-04-03T10:32:00.001-07:00

"WOMEN'S ENGLISH. Yes = No. No = No. Maybe = No. We need = I want. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like. MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A dinner conversation that went wrong

2011-04-03T10:27:00.001-07:00

A dinner conversation that went wrong.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Shit."

Emotional vs financial feelings

2011-04-02T19:27:00.001-07:00

One night a wife and husband are getting a bit frisky, but the wife all of a sudden says 'stop, I don't feel like it now, let's just snuggle'. The husband can't believe it but has to deal with it. 'You must not be in touch with my emotional feelings' says the wife. The next day the husband takes his wife shopping. She has her eye on several nice dresses, so the husband says that they'll take them all. She then finds expensive matching shoes for all the outfits. The husband says to get them. She then spots a really expensive diamond bracelet and necklace set, and the husband says to get them. 'I'm finished now, let's go pay' says the wife. 'Oh no' says the husband, 'we're not buying these items, I just want you to hold them' The wife goes red and is ready to explode. So the husband says 'Oh, you must not be in touch with my financial feelings!!

1 working day only

2011-04-02T19:25:00.001-07:00

So you want a day off huh? Well, let's just take a look at what you're asking for ok? There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you've used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're gonna take that day off!

Perfect revenage

2011-04-02T19:22:00.001-07:00

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge? Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

Always pay the bills

2011-04-02T19:21:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story. .. .....Always pay your bills.

Trying to ditch

2011-04-02T10:20:00.001-07:00

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note : "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Scratching our balls

2011-04-02T10:16:00.001-07:00

John goes to the Post Office for a job interview. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - coffee." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in the army for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" John says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM and continue that schedule every day." John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM, why do you want me to start here from 10:00AM?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Alcohol taster

2011-04-02T10:10:00.001-07:00

~Alcohol taster~ In an alcohol factory
the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!

A big game hunter

2011-04-01T19:36:00.001-07:00

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this b!ack eye?” His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.” Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB

No one gave me anything to eat

2011-03-31T19:10:00.001-07:00

theres a lady who is cheating on her husband.one day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway.her boyfriend says"oh no!what should we do?!"she says"hurry!get dressed and go to the livingroom!"once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him.he says "what are you doing?"she says I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know your real,he's stupid!"Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her"whats that?"she says"well,me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today.she has one just like it.I liked hers so much she took me to get one."he shrugs it off and goes about his business.that night the boyfriends still standing in the livingroom in that pose to afraid to escape.he hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door.the husband walks past him,opens the fridge,pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich.he then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "here, i was next door at Mrs.Johnsons house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat.

Things to learn from children

2011-03-31T19:08:00.001-07:00

Things I've Learned From My Children: 1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old. 11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 21. Cats spit up twice their body weight Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB

Horrible things

2011-03-31T08:07:00.001-07:00

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with john and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and with John, I'll be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home:)

That was me before surgery

2011-03-31T08:06:00.001-07:00

After a long nite of making love.. the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nitestand by the bed.He begins to worry. Is this your husband? he nervously asks.No silly, she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend then? he continues.No.. not at all, she says nibbling away at his ear.Is it your dad or your brother?, he inquires hoping to be reassured.No.. no.. no! You're so hot when you're jealous!, she answers.Well.. who in the hell is he then?, he demands.She whispers in his ear.. That's me before the surgery.

Don't use my ass for score board :)

2011-03-31T01:27:00.001-07:00

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs. The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

I was skiing

2011-03-31T00:55:00.001-07:00

three guys spend the night at a ski lodge. there arent enough beds so theyre forced to sleep together. one guy wakes up and says, "i had a dream a was getting a handjob!" another guy said he has had the same dream. the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "thats funny, i dreamt i was skiing!"